HCM Brain Candy
High Cleve Person
Supreme Overlord of TPWLP
The problem with the universe is you.
Posts: 4,008
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Post by HCM Brain Candy on Sept 29, 2007 19:54:57 GMT -6
And thus our heros ventured forth, only they in their exuburance they forget to really pin down where exactly they were going or more to the point how exactly they were going to reach an alternate future by walking. "Let's just keep walking," Vladamir responded, "I'm sure we'll find an alternate future somewhere." Surprisingly, a day into their journey they did discover an alternate future, only it was a post apocalyptic/nuclear holacaust alternate future, and so they found themselves on a huge desert that used to be the great plains. Our heroes' exuburance was still undiMinished, but this was mostly out of ignorace because in their exuburant exuburance, they had fogotten to pack, well, food and water. The first nightfall came and our heros found themselves starving, and they were forced to eat Noob. (And there was much rejoicing...)(Yay...)
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Post by zoel on Sept 30, 2007 12:11:09 GMT -6
Before our fearless protagonists could finish eating Noob, however, they were suddenly assaulted by a band of minstrels.
"Surrender or we will sing you to death!" one of the minstrels called out in a melodic voice whilst the others cackled evilly.
"We have nothing to fear but fear--" Vlad attempted to say, but was cut off by Darth Cow.
"Shouldn't you be following Sir Robin or something?" Darth Cow demanded of the minstrels.
"Sir Robin ran away, away," the minstrels sang their reply in unison.
But before the minstrels could give their reply, they were devoured by the Beast of Aaaarrrggghhh...
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Post by zoel on Sept 30, 2007 12:26:38 GMT -6
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I AM THE IZOD!!
High Cleve Person
This is what happens when I eat too many baked beans.
Posts: 513
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Post by I AM THE IZOD!! on Oct 3, 2007 16:44:34 GMT -6
Suddenly, the BOA is crushed by a giant foot of a radiation mutated Turkey.
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Post by zoel on Oct 3, 2007 20:27:16 GMT -6
"Quick! Jump on the turkey's foot!" Abe shouted to the others.
"Are you crazy?" Luke demanded. "That thing just killed the Black Beast of Aaaarrgghhh! I'm not going anywhere near it!"
"Actually I am crazy!" Abe confessed. "I lost my mind shortly after losing the lower half of my body! But we have to jump on the turkey's foot. It's the only way!"
"The only way to what?" Nathan asked, shouting at the top of his lungs.
"The only way to get to the alternate future so that we can stop the Watchtower from changing the past back to the way it was and ruining all of our lives!" Abe said.
"How can you possibly know that?" Bubba asked, sounding doubtful.
"Don't ask me how I know, just believe!" Abe shouted back. "Quickly, there isn't much time!"
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HCM Brain Candy
High Cleve Person
Supreme Overlord of TPWLP
The problem with the universe is you.
Posts: 4,008
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Post by HCM Brain Candy on Oct 4, 2007 12:32:21 GMT -6
However, Abe was still missing his lower half and moved kind of slowly on just his arms and the others were all still skeptical and hesitant, all except for Noob that is, who ran forth under the foot just as it came crashing down. The others paused, watching and waiting for the foot to go back up to see if Noob was still there or if he had traveled to another dimension. Finally the foot came up and our heros saw the crushed plastic remains of Noob with margerince spread all over the place. Abe stood still for a moment until, "Well, I thought it would work..." Noob's death, however, inadvertantly turned out to be a sacrifice as the mutant turkey turned out to have a rare allergy to margerine and suddenly its whole body inflamed and swelled to the point it exploded. Turkey guts flew everywhere, and it was mostly pasty, except for pieces of bones and the beak which flew upward and then down right on top of Bubba crushing him. Faced with the deaths of both Noob and Bubba, our six remaining heroes thought about burying them, but Darth Cow suggested that they could eat them instead, which Vladamir of all people had no objection to. And so they had roast wolf with lots and lots of margernine. Eventually they decided to bury a small portion of each, the plastic of Noob which obviously wasn't edible despite Luke's one or two attempts to eat it, and the gallbladder of Bubba; they were both buried in a small mound under dug up by a desert fox two days later who after eating both remains had the plastic cut open the inside of his stomach and he subsequently died of internal bleeding. Vladamir wondered aloud if they could eat the turkey as well. The others said it was a bad idea; the turkey was radioactively mutated and... bad... and stuff. Vladamir desented and midst the feast decided to eat a bunch of the turkey paste that was splattered everywhere. The six sleapt well through the night, but when Vladamir awoke he found his lower half now looked distinctly like that of a platapus.
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Post by zoel on Oct 7, 2007 12:39:27 GMT -6
Abe immediately suggested that the platypus bottom was actually a cancerous infection that would have to be surgically removed.
"I don't want to lose my lower half!" Vlad protested. "Then I'd end up looking like you!"
"Are you say that there's something wrong with not having a lower half?" Abe asked, sounding shocked.
"Actually, yes," Vlad admitted. "I mean, how do you even go to the bathroom?"
"I... um... well let's just say you don't really want to know the answer to that question," Abe stuttered in reply.
"None of this is helping!" Luke suddenly pointed out. "Two of our friends have just been killed by a giant radio-active turkey, which if Abe is right came from the alternate future. We have to go there now and stop Watchtower before it's too late!"
"I... think... it... might... already... be... too.... late..." Sauron stammered, pointing at something in the distance.
There on the horizon was a tremendous horde of Jehovah's Witness door-to-door evangelists equipped with really scary looking weapons from the alternate future.
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HCM Brain Candy
High Cleve Person
Supreme Overlord of TPWLP
The problem with the universe is you.
Posts: 4,008
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Post by HCM Brain Candy on Oct 9, 2007 11:38:12 GMT -6
These really scary weapons were of course TV's playing "The Wiz"...
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Post by zoel on Oct 9, 2007 20:59:05 GMT -6
"It's horrible! Horrible!" Vlad said, clutching at his now platypus lower half as he spontaniously vomits and dirties his pants at the same time...
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HCM Brain Candy
High Cleve Person
Supreme Overlord of TPWLP
The problem with the universe is you.
Posts: 4,008
|
Post by HCM Brain Candy on Oct 18, 2007 19:52:15 GMT -6
Fortunetly our heros were saved by the timely arrival of indoor plumbing...
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Post by zoel on Oct 19, 2007 13:28:34 GMT -6
Indoor plumbing promptly whomped all of the televisions with the blunt end of a water closet, causing them to start showing reruns of Family Feud.
Surprisingly, the category was "Things that you would need if you had to fight against an evil watchtower organization in an alternate future"
"Ooh! I know! I know!" Nathan said, jumping up and down excitedly. "Light sabers!"
"Um, you and Darth Cow already have light sabers and so far it hasn't done us a bit of good," Luke pointed out.
"Maybe you, Vlad, Abe and Sauron should get some too!" Nathan suggested, shrugging his shoulders.
"How am I going to hold a lightsaber?" Luke asked. "I don't even have hands!"
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HCM Brain Candy
High Cleve Person
Supreme Overlord of TPWLP
The problem with the universe is you.
Posts: 4,008
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Post by HCM Brain Candy on Oct 25, 2007 9:49:57 GMT -6
"Duct tape?" someone suggested.
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Post by zoel on Oct 28, 2007 17:41:28 GMT -6
And so they duct-taped a lightsaber to the end of each of Luke's many arms and vlad and sauron and abe got lightsabers too so that the whole group was equipped when suddenly there appeared a horde of...
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HCM Brain Candy
High Cleve Person
Supreme Overlord of TPWLP
The problem with the universe is you.
Posts: 4,008
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Post by HCM Brain Candy on Oct 31, 2007 10:04:10 GMT -6
Black holes...
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Post by zoel on Oct 31, 2007 13:27:51 GMT -6
"No! Our weapons are futile against black holes!" Nathan screamed in horror. "Everyone knows that not even light sabers can cut through a black-hole!"
"Fear not!" Abe replied. "I think I have a plan!"
"What is it?" Vlad demanded.
"I will jump into the black hole and destroy it from the inside!" Abe said confidently.
"Is that even possible?" Luke demanded. "Won't you just be spagetified by the extreme gravitational flux near the event horizon?"
"No matter," Abe replied. "It cannot fail to work!" And without another word, he leapt towards the nearest black hole.
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Post by The Radical Communist on Nov 2, 2007 22:25:35 GMT -6
Of course this was rather unessecary as the black holes quickly sucked up our heroes regardless of whether they thought Abe was being a loon. As they are falling through, Darth Cow shouts, "Whatever you do, don't touch the singularity! Who knows what will happen to the laws of physics if we touch it!" "Singularity?" Luke asks. "It'll be the big, er... tiny, and bright, or maybe not so bright... thing.. in the center. Just don't touch it!" "Well that's helpful," Vladamir complained as they flew past the event horizon. "How are we supposed to know what not to touch?" "Just don't okay," Darth Cow insisted, "touching the singularity would be horribly ba-" Too late, Sauron touched something...
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Post by zoel on Nov 3, 2007 13:11:57 GMT -6
Instantly, the laws of physics attempted to divide by zero, causing them to go kaput and causing all sorts of funny things to happen.
Fortunately for our invaders, the first funny thing to happen was that all of the black holes turned into raisins.
After eating his way out of the raisin he had just jumped into, Abe looked around and saw that they were being approached by a horde of flying pigs...
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I AM THE IZOD!!
High Cleve Person
This is what happens when I eat too many baked beans.
Posts: 513
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Post by I AM THE IZOD!! on Nov 7, 2007 14:52:48 GMT -6
"Oooo! Pork!" Nathen rushed forward at the pigs, but suddenly...
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Post by zoel on Nov 9, 2007 14:35:18 GMT -6
the flying pigs cried out, "Ooh! Human flesh!" and attempted to eat Nathan...
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HCM Brain Candy
High Cleve Person
Supreme Overlord of TPWLP
The problem with the universe is you.
Posts: 4,008
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Post by HCM Brain Candy on Nov 11, 2007 14:29:11 GMT -6
Nathan screamed like a girl and ran fervently in the opposite direction. Vladamir looked at the pigs, wondering why they were so scary, but then they suddenly grew foot long fangs and howled menecingly. Vladamir took this cue and ran, as did everyone else, until as they kept running they realized they were now in...
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Post by zoel on Nov 12, 2007 14:25:14 GMT -6
the movie Forest Gump, following Forest as he ran across America.
"My momma always told me, life is like a box of chocolates," Forest reminded them. "You never know whether or not the next one you eat is going to be laced with poison and kill you."
"Wait! That's not how it goes!" Vlad protested. "Someone's been messing with the timeline again!"
Instantly, a dozen assassins from the Watchtower organization appeared out of their alternate future and attempted to...
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I AM THE IZOD!!
High Cleve Person
This is what happens when I eat too many baked beans.
Posts: 513
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Post by I AM THE IZOD!! on Nov 19, 2007 20:42:00 GMT -6
Convert the group, when suddenly they are assaulted by radical blood bank collectors, who attempt to steal blood from the Watchtower assassins...
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Post by zoel on Nov 19, 2007 22:42:40 GMT -6
It didn't work, however, since the Watchtower assassins were also undead zombies and so they didn't actually have any blood...
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HCM Brain Candy
High Cleve Person
Supreme Overlord of TPWLP
The problem with the universe is you.
Posts: 4,008
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Post by HCM Brain Candy on Nov 29, 2007 12:29:31 GMT -6
And thus all the characters broke out into their awesome anime fighting move sequences...
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Post by zoel on Nov 30, 2007 15:53:41 GMT -6
at which point, all of Japan filed a copyright infringement lawsuit against them, landing our brave protagonists in the gray land of fair-use...
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I AM THE IZOD!!
High Cleve Person
This is what happens when I eat too many baked beans.
Posts: 513
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Post by I AM THE IZOD!! on Dec 3, 2007 13:49:50 GMT -6
disentary
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Post by zoel on Dec 3, 2007 14:17:30 GMT -6
Fair use dysentry turned out to be a horrible land, because not only was it a horrible disease, but the RAA also denied that it existed. This made all of its inhabitants extremely unhappy and caused them to try and prove their existence by randomly killing anyone who entered their land. This was counter-productive, of course, since then no one ever returned to report that the land of fair-use dysentry actually existed....
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HCM Brain Candy
High Cleve Person
Supreme Overlord of TPWLP
The problem with the universe is you.
Posts: 4,008
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Post by HCM Brain Candy on Dec 12, 2007 16:45:08 GMT -6
"This won't do at all!" Vladamir complained loudly as he waddled (for him) near neck deep in crap, "This entire place is the shitiest place I've ever been to!" Instantly Darth Cow slapped Vladamir. "What was that for!?" Vladamir demanded. "You used bad language." "Are you kidding me!?" Sauron jumped in outraged. "We're in the middle of possibly the worst situation of our lives and someone utters a damn curs-" Darth Cow immediatly slapped Sauron. "Hey, what the Hell was tha-" Vladamir shouted. Another slap. "Look," Darth Cow began, clearly embarresed. "I dont have any control over it. It's just if someone curses I... well, slap them." Abe was flabergasted. "But, why?" Darth Cow was clearly getting flustered. "Do I look like I have a damn-" He stopped suddenly as he slapped himself. "See?" The group grumbled for a bit, then sat down and tried to figure out what to do now that they were trapped in the land of fair use dysentary. After several hours of pondering and some shouting (and the occasional slap of Darth Cow), Nathan insisted that they sing some campfire songs. "Oh God," Vladamir moaned, to be promptly slapped by Darth Cow. "Ok THAT'S IT! I DON'T CARE IF IT'S INVOLUNTARY OR NOT!" He shouted...
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Post by zoel on Dec 16, 2007 12:51:19 GMT -6
"So... um.... what are we going to make this campfire out of?" the upper half of Abe Lincoln asked despondently.
"I once heard that you can burn--OUCH!" Sauron said, only to be slapped by Darth Cow for attempting to say--OUCH!
What the---OUCH! OW! That hurts OUCH! Ahh! Ow! Ahh! Ouch! Ahh! Don't you realize that I'm the---Ow that stings! Stop hitting me!
"I'm sorry, I really can't help it," Darth Cow said defensively.
Ouch--slapping the narrator, however, was likely to prove Darth Cow's undoing. If there is one rule for surviving in fiction, it is: don't mess with the --Ow--ing narrator.
Suddenly Darth Cow discovered that he was rapidly plummeting downward towards a rather unfriendly-looking black hole with sharp, pointy teeth...
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HCM Brain Candy
High Cleve Person
Supreme Overlord of TPWLP
The problem with the universe is you.
Posts: 4,008
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Post by HCM Brain Candy on Dec 18, 2007 17:34:40 GMT -6
"Quick," Sauron urged emphatically, "Let's get out of here before he gets back!" Vladamir considered objecting, but then remembered that Darth Cow had a habit of talking about... embarresing things while he was sleep walking... that and he had bad breath. Everyone else then consented that Darth Cow was annoying in this regard, forgetting that he was a powerful Sith Lord with a lightsaber, and agreed that he needed to be done away with, with the exception of Nathan who, when he objected, was sacked. As in, literally sacked; a football spontainously appeared in his hands a seven foot 350 lbs linebacker suddenly charged him and smashed him to the ground. The drawback was that Nathan now had to be carried or use crutches, but the others figured that he had been taught a delicious lesson and procedded on their way. All except Darth Cow of course, who called, "Guys, could really use the help now," as he swung madly trying to stay out of reach of the toothy black hole. Then he looked up, and saw everyone scurrying away. He was shocked for a moment, but then began fuming. "You stupid mother@$#@$%^! May the curse of the great many potatos be upon you!" Darth Cow, of course the next moment as he prepared to slash at the black hole slapped himself. The next day, after a relaxing sleep, Vladamir awakened to the sight of a potato staring at him...
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