Amazing New Adventure

[HCM Brain Candy]

After much bickering and debate, the council of the Good Guys eventually decided that the forces of butter needed to be done away with. And so Vladamir and Luke stood with Abraham Lincoln, Simba, Muhammed Ali, Adolf Hitler, George Foreman, and the rest of the army on the field of battle as the armies of Butter stood arrayed against them. And, in the center of their formation stood an abnormally quiet and straight faced Nathan whose skin had a decidedly butter complextion.
The horns were blown and the armies rushed forth and met head on. Butter soldiers approached and Abraham Lincoln calmly marched forth and began a great speech on the great emancipations that would come forth if peace were accomplished. The butter soldiers were unfazed, and so Abe soon took to stuffing his tall hat over their heads and suffocating them. Adolf Hitler was somewhat more persuasive, at least when he wasn't trying to tell the Good Guy generals how to run the war. Instead he stood straight and proclaimed the greatness of the Aryan race and the butter soldiers, even though they were decidedly not Aryan, were mystified and moved by his speech. George Foreman kept luring the butter soldiers into his George Foreman grill and using them liberally on his corn on the cob and whatnot.
Fighting wise, Simba managed to be holding his own, but out of all of them Muhammed Ali was of course doing the most damage. The "King of the World" boxed his way forward through the army straight torward Nathan, who was mindlessly swinging his (orange, of course) lightsaber at the Good Guys.
Even with the awesome powers of the Good Guys, the butter soldiers behind (butter) Nathan seemed to be gaining the advantage, and hope seemed lost.
And then, lightning crackled, thunder roared, and a figure stepped over a distant hill. A blood curdling scream was heard, and a black cloaked figure surged forward and began hacking at the butter soldiers with... a lightsaber, red however to Nathan's orange.
Soon the figure was on Nathan, and fast as his butter enhanced speed was, it was no match for the dark figure. After a moment, it was over, and Nathan was knocked to the ground.
"And now, my nemisis, I will avenge," the figure said.
"Avenge?" Nathan replied, "Aven... wait, what just happened? Oh, wait! You have a lightsaber too? Wow! Another one! Lightsabers are so cool aren't they? They-" Clearly Nathan was back to himself.
"Excellent, I-... What?" the figure responded. "Aren't you the Jedi who stole my [inferior to pancakes] that I was going to have to breakfast yesterday?"
"No, I'm Nathan, I'm a Jedi with and orange lightsaber! It's really cool and it can cut through anything!"
"Wait," Luke said, even as Vladamir pulled on him trying to tell him not to go forward. "You've got to be a Sith or something then? Who are you?"
The figure paused and pulled back his cloak, and a yellow alligator showed his face. "Darth Cow. But if you're not that one Jedi... Oh well, I was going to kill him and then destroy this entire universe in double retaliation, but I already set the bomb so..."
At this point Vladamir asked him if the Jedi in question happened to be named Yoga. Darth Cow's face said it all, and Vladamir indicated that he too would like to meet this Yoga again. The alligator Sith then offered to take them with him as this universe would soon become dust. Seeing as how this universe was about to become, well, dead, Vladamir acted without care and ate some livers off of some of the dead corpses.
Oh, and they felt sorry for Noob as well so they took him with them to find Yoga. Oh, and everyone was left wondering what was going on as the universe was then subjected to an excruciating attempt to divide by zero. Two seconds later that universe promptly broke and sputtered and broke into a million pieces.
Vladamir would have normally felt sorry, but he had gotten a deliecious meal out of the deal so he wouldn't complain...

[zoel]

Vladimir, Nathan, Luke, Noob, and Darth Cow took a moment to contemplate how surprisingly beautiful the complete destruction of the universe was and then quickly escaped into the portal that Darth Cow had opened for them. The portal was a rather dark and ominous-looking one and Vladimir shuddered to think what might be on the other side of it. He had no choice, however, and plunged into the portal along with the others. Then, just as the portal was closing Abraham Lincoln too attempted to get inside, but the portal closed as he was halfway through, cutting off his lower half. The upper half of Abe Lincoln clawed its way through the portal joining the rest of the party on the other side. There Vladimir was surpised to find not a dark and forboding land, but instead a rather happy one populated by pink unicorns and cute little bunny rabbits...

[I AM THE IZOD!!]

However, when Vladimir went up to talk with the pink unicorns and the bunny rabbits, they...

[zoel]

only spoke Polish and Vlad only knew like three words in Polish but now he knows four because the pink bunny rabbits taught him the word for lip, Usta.

"Your friends all laughed, Usta... how do you spell that?" Darth Cow demanded.

"I don't know," Vladimir replied and was about to launch into a melody about how much he loved his lips when Nathan suddenly attacked the pink bunny rabbits with his (dare we forget orange) light-saber.

[I AM THE IZOD!!]

Suddenly, caught up in the excitement, Vladimir, Darth Cow, and Luke all charged forth into the battle and slaughtered many pink unicorns and bunny rabbits on that day, until none were left, and the ground was covered with the blood of the slain animals. In the aftermath, however, the group was assaulted by none other than PETA.

[zoel]

Suddenly caught up in the excitement, Vladimir, Darth Cow, and Luke all charged forth into the battle and slaughtered many PETA members on that day, until none were left, and the ground was covered with the blood of the slain activists. In the aftermath, however, the group was assaulted by a bunch of confederate sympathizers who were angry when they spotted the upper half of Abe Linclon amongst its members...

[HCM Brain Candy]

Thus there was a great charge lead by Larry the Cable Guy to destroy Abe Lincoln's upper half...

[zoel]

at which point Luke stopped to ponder why Larry the Cable guy was in cahoots with the pink unicorns, but before he could do so...

[I AM THE IZOD!!]

The upper half of Abe Lincoln threw his top hat at the crowd of Confederate sympathizers and the said hat decapatated many of the enemy, then returned to Abe Lincoln, who then crawled forth and beat Larry the Cable guy to death with the indestructable top hat. All the other sympathizers, seeing their comrades cut down ran for the hills. Afterwards, the group finally went forth and journeyed into the unknown that was before them.

[zoel]

But since it was unknown, they soon found themselves walking in the grayish-white fog-of-war that always fills the unknown in RTS games like Age of Empires and Warcraft. The fog was so thick that our heroes couldn't even see their hands in front of their faces, something which soon caused problems when Luke accidentally tripped over the upper half of Abraham Lincoln. The impact of his fall caused the ground to collapse underneath him, opening up a massive cavern into which our group of heroes began to fall...

[HCM Brain Candy]

And inside was a giant monster who suddenly demanded that they all join the Cult of the Pink Bunny Rabbit...

[zoel]

"No!" Vladimir said. "You can take our lives, but you can never take our freedom!"

"Yes, take his life," Nathan and Luke agreed. "Please, please, just don't kill the rest of us."

"Ok," said the monster and prepared to tear Vladimir to bits.

"Don't eat me!" Vladimir protested. "I have AIDS!"

....

[The Radical Communist]

The monster didn't seem to care, and Vladamir was about to be eaten, when suddenly Abraham Lincoln suddenly burst through the hole that they had fallen into in a giant hovercraft armed with missle launchers.

[zoel]

All of which looked somewhat like this:



Abe pommeled the monster with rockets, causing it to drop Vladimir long enough for Darth Cow to race forwards and rescue him from the monster's grasp.

Nathan raced forward with his orange lightsaber and slashed away at the monster.

Noob and Luke just stood by and watched as the monster was reduced to a heap of bleeding purple flesh.

With Vlad rescued, the group took a moment to examine their surroundings and try to figure out how they should continue their search for Yoda

[I AM THE IZOD!!]

Nathan then inquired, "Wait, we're looking for Yoda too?"

[HCM Brain Candy]

"Well, I don't see why not," Darth Cow replied. "I'm a Sith so I guess we should be hunting Jedi too."
"Well," Luke chimed, "I'm a giant bug monster, so I guess I have to be eating and terrorizing the populace..."
"Well," Abe responded, "I'm the 16th president of the United States so I must preserve this great nation and free the slaves!"
"Well," Noob joined in, "I'm... well, I guess I'm supposed to be so great for margerine or something."
"I'm a Jedi and I have to fight monsters and evil and Sith and all kinds of stuff and-" Blurted Nathan.
"Well," Vladimer began," I'm a... Jehovah's Witness so I guess I should be trying to convert you to the watchtower..."
"Wait," Noob said, "How can we all be one group? We're all kinds of different people, how can we even be around each other?"
"Because the plot said so?" Luke shrugged.
"We could always create a new group that incorportates all the elements," Darth Cow suggested...

[zoel]

"Wait! Did you say something about the plot?" Vlad demanded, grabbing onto one of Luke's many limbs.

"Yeah, I guess so," Luke admitted. "Why?"

"Because we've been trying to find it for practically the entire story and here you know something about it and you didn't tell us!?" Vlad practically shouted.

"Well, I don't know all that much about it," Luke said, shrugging his shoulders. "We just talked for a little while before Yoga escaped through one of it's holes."

"What did you talk about?" Nathan asked excitedly.

"You know, the usual," Luke said dismissively. "All about how even though we have our differences we will eventually learn to work together in order to overcome adversity... you know, like in one of those cheesy Disney movies..."

"I for one do not like the idea of this 'plot' thingy trying to control our lives," Abe said. "I believe that all characters should be free to live out their fictional lives with freedom and integrity."

"I agree!" Vlad said, letting go of Luke's antenna and raising his fist in the air.

"Me too!" Nathan shouted, raising his orange light-saber and nearly cutting of Vlad's head.

"What do you say, men?" Darth Cow said finally. "How about we overcome our differences and band together in order to bring an end to this nefarious plot!"

[The Admin]

Our six heroes cheered as they resolutely resolved to bring an end to the plot. Caught up in the excitement, they all started marching west.
An hour later, they suddenly realized that they had set out on their great quest in no particular direction whatsoever, so they decided to sit down and clarify things.
"Ok, there's one thing we need to sort out before we do anything." Vladimir began. "And that is... how... exactly do we kill a plot?"
"We can always just hack it to pieces!" Nathan exclaimed, showing how with his lightsaber flying in random directions, nearly cutting off Luke's head.
"But who says a plot has to be a concrete thing?" Noob asked, "What if it's some sort of vague idea that presents itself in different ways?"
Darth Cow nodded. "This is true. A plot is not necessarily a fixed entity. I have traveled the universe and seen many such beings-"
"Did they put up a good fight?" Nathan demanded eagerly, "Did they use their lightsabers well?"
"Not everyone has lightsabers, Natha-" Darth Cow began to reply.
"Can they use the force in really cool ways, like choking or lightning? Man, that'd be cool."
Clearly beginning to lose patience, Darth Cow continued, "That's my whole point, you boob. They are necessarily physical-"
"Wow, those have got be the most awesome boss fights ever!" Nathan rolled on.
Darth Cow grunted, stood up, and with one move swept out his hand and... silence. Nathan stopped midsentence, apparently he couldn't open his mouth. Near panic, he began trying to speak using tones and, clearly failing to tell people what was on his mind, he began to hyperventilate.
"Well, that's better," Darth Cow continued as Nathan screamed through his nose and began to run around crazily the camp. "As I was saying, the plot is a very big thing, and it may be very sneaky in its manipulations. We must be careful."
"So," Abe spoke up, "We must learn what we can and strike from a position of strength. Where then will we look to focus our forces?"
"Well, we could always look for evil and try and destroy it or something," Luke chimed in. "If the plot's as horrible and nasty as you've made it out to be then it would be supporting all kinds of nasty things, right?"
They all agreed, and, mouth or no mouth, Nathan wasn't in a position to say much of anything as he had passed out about a minute earlier from hyperventilation.
The group set camp for the night, and it mostly went peacefully, except for Noob who kept waking up shouting that Abe was sneaking some scoops of margarine out of his tubbed body. They had grabbed the monster's body that had appeared in the cave and slung it on Abe's hovercraft and had carried it with them, but by now they had eaten most of the good parts and all that was left was the brains and the gizzard. They had managed to swallow it without incident until Nathan started talking loudly enough that everyone could hear it to Noob about prions which were protein fragments found in brains that caused all sorts of bad thing like maybe even cancer. Vlad and Abe at this point immediately vomited up their breakfast and even Darth Cow looked like he was having a time holding it down; only Luke was unaffected but that was because he was a flesh eating bug so he probably had immunities anyway.
Our six heroes soon set out randomly, hoping to find some sort of evil that they could then link to the plot. They traveled for roughly two days when ahead they saw a huge mountain range and uber dark clouds. Continuing forward, they then saw a man on horseback seemingly running in terror away from the dark land ahead. Seeing our heroes, he shouted, “Beware the Black Land of Mordor! Beware the Dark Lord!” he continued as he rode off behind the heroes…

[zoel]

"Cool, a black land!" Nathan said ecstatically. "I'll bet it's just swarming with all sorts of Sith and stuff that we can fight!"

"Wait, isn't Darth Cow a Sith?" Vladimir pointed out. "Does that mean we should be fighting him?"

"Don't be silly," Noob interjected. "Everyone knows that the only really evil thing in the universe is butter."

"Now that you mention it, I've always had a hard time believing that you weren't butter," Luke pointed out. "Maybe we should be fighting you."

"I was shot by an actor," Abe pointed out. "I've always suspected that Luke might actually be an actor dressed up in a giant flesh-eating insect suit planning to shoot me..."

The way things were going, it seemed as if the members of the group were all going to turn on one another. They were prevented, however, by the sudden appearance of the Dark Lord.

"Umm... hello there," the Dark Lord said addressing the group. "Look, I know this may be an awkward time. But I think I dropped my contact, and I was wondering if you could help me look for it."

[I AM THE IZOD!!]

"Um...sure," Vladimir answered the Dark Lord
Suddenly Nathan broke in, asking all types of questions, like, "Do know where we can find the plot," and, "Hey, are there any Sith around here, because if there are, it would be cool because I would be able get into an awesome lightsaber fight."

[zoel]

"umm... no." The Dark lord said glumly. "I haven't seen the plot in years... ever since Return of the King ended we've just kind of been sitting around and watching TV."

"What about the sith!?" Nathan demanded.

"Nope, haven't heard of them either," the dark lord said. "I'm a dark lord and the only other people that live here are the orcs and a few trolls..."

[Cellery]

Then a strange brown colored being standing on his head appeared out of nowhere, wearing a surprisingly convincing disguise consisting of a tie and a pair of glasses with a fake moustache attached. He quietly walked up to the dark lord and asked, "The goblins what about?"

Before the Dark Lord had a chance to answer, a crowd of goblins marched into view, each one carrying a sign mentioning how they have been forgotten. And something about a poor dental plan.

The goblins made their way up to the dark lord, where the leader of them spoke...

[zoel]

"I have a dream!" the goblin shouted loudly. "I have a dream that...yawn..."

Suddenly the goblins' leader fell asleep. Everyone just stood around waiting for him to wake up and continue speaking. After a few minutes, however, they just got bored and the whole meeting was about to dissemble when suddenly the strange creature standing on its head leaped up onto the stage.

"war loose cry let dogs and havoc of the" the creature said, when suddenly his fake mustache fell off, revealing the fact that he was indeed.... YOGA!

[Cellery]

Yoga looked around for a second or two before he pointed behind our group yelling, "over, there look! Duck the it's Aflac!"

Unfortunatly for Yoga, the Aflac duck was in fact standing right behind the group...

[zoel]

I say unfortunately because, as we all know, the Aflac duck was Yoga's arch-nemesis.

Immediately the Aflac duck rushed towards Yoga, pulling out its purple lightsaber and letting loose a terrifying "quack"

Yoga picked up a lightsaber blade with each of his feet and attempted to defend himself against the attacking duck.

[zoel]

All of which looked a little bit like this

[HCM Brain Candy]

Suddenly absolute chaos broke loose and fighting started everywhere. As Vladamir shrunk back and tried to avoid being hacked down by goblins or accidentally sliced by the dueling Yoga and Aflac duck, he turned around and saw the other members of his party looking around confused.
Then Nathan turned to Darth Cow and said, "You know, you're really a Sith."
"Yeah," Darth Cow responded, "I guess I am."
To which Nathan exclaimed, "Let's fight and I can use my orange lightsaber!" And Darth Cow and Nathan engaged in their own lightsaber duel.
At this point chaos was really breaking loose and Vladamir almost lost his other arm when he bumped into Abe who, when everyone was busy fighting or being confused, used the oppritunity to rip off Noob's lid and begin scooping up vast quantities of margerine and eating it. Noob screamed in pain as Abe ate his innards, and then, apparently decided that eating anymore margerine would make him ill, grabbed Noob's now dying form and threw him at the goblins, spilling margerine all over the battlefield.
Luke came up to Vladamir and yelled, "What's going on? Why are we all fighting each other!?"
"Hell if I know," Vladamir responded and ducked under another goblin as Luke reached over and bit its head off. The two squirmed their way out of the battlefield and ran, they ran and ran all the way to the mountains and only then turned back to the chaos that raged miles away.
"This is the end," Luke declared, "the fellowship has failed."
Vladamir stood confused for a moment, "Wait, and just what crazy weed smoking fellowship might... THAT have been," he said, pointing the distant fighting figures far in the distance.
"Well, weren't we supposed to all band together and destroy the plot or something?" Luke asked.
This gave Vladamir pause. He had wondered about this plot; they had been searching for it for what seemed like ages, and had even been trying to kill it. But no matter where they looked from melting Greenland's glaciers to trying to fulfill Das Capital to New Guinian natives to waging a war between good and butter, and he for one wasn't sure that there was any point to searching anymore.
Amidst his musings, the pair was suddenly overshadowed by a huge... well, shadow. Snapping around they saw the Dark Lord Sauron standing over them. "Um, yeah, about those goblins and orcs and stuff... I don't really care about that anymore because it really doesn't matter if I can't see a damn thing! So, could you guys still help me find me a contact lense?"

[zoel]

"You can take our lives, but you can never take our freedom!" Vlad shouted instinctively.

"...What?" The Dark Lord Sauron asked, somewhat confused. "I just asked you to help look for my contacts."

"Give me liberty or give me death!" Vlad retorted.

"No, really, I think he's alright," Luke said, trying to figure out what was wrong with Vlad.

"We have nothing to fear but fear itself!" Vlad countered.

"And spiders!" Sauron added quickly.

"Well yes, and spiders," Vlad agreed. "That goes without saying."

"And snakes," Luke suggested.

"Yes, snakes too," Vlad said, shrugging his shoulders.

"And don't forget werewolves!" Noob said, having managed to drag himself out of the battle and joined Luke, Vlad, and the Dark Lord Sauron.

"There's no such thing!" Vlad protested.

This statement immediately elicited a storm of protest from the other members of the group, which now for some reason included a were-human named Bubba.

"Where did you come from?" Sauron demanded upon getting within a few inches of Bubba so as to be able to tell that he was not one of the previous members of the group. "Have you seen my contact lens?"

"You mean this one?" Bubba asked, pointing out a contact lens that was mysteriously lying at his feet.

"Yes, that seems to be the one," Sauron agreed upon picking the contact up and putting it in in his eye, an action which would have undoubtedly caused Andrew to faint had he been nearby.

[HCM Brain Candy]

In fact Andrew was not nearby but on his computer playing a game called Europa Universalis in which he was engineering the complete and utter disintigration of France around 1500. This being done history was thus rewritten in which France no longer existed in the modern world. The world, being France free, found itself to be substantially better place. It was a remarkable place in fact, in which there was no crime or war and everyone more or less got along even though they occasionally yelled and threw pies at each other.
However, our heros upon seeing this decided that even though this world was much better than the real world they had an "obligation" to prevent any tampering to the timeline even if it made things better.
Vlad was the one promoting this mostly, although this was in fact because in the middle of the night a Watchtower official came to him and told him that in this universe that the Jehovah's Witness's didn't exist.
"Well, isn't that a good thing?" Vladamir foolishly asked the Watchtower man.
The Watchtower man stood straight and pronounced a curse of 10,000 ithy fireants upon Vladamir unless he immediatly repented. Doing so mostly out of fear, the Watchtower man told Vladamir in no uncertain terms that history must be rewritten so that Andrew didn't make France disintigrate.
"Well, that sucks," Vladamir muttered...

[zoel]

Fortunately, just as Vlad was about to go and prevent Andrew from causing France to disintegrate and thereby bring all sorts of horrible and evil things down upon the world, Darth Cow showed up and ate the Watchtower man.

A few minutes later when 10,000 itchy fire ants did not appear out of the sky and attack Vlad, he eventually came to his senses and agreed that the world was better off without either France or the Jehovah's Witnesses.

At this time, however, the were-human Bubba stopped to ask where the Watchtower man had come from if the Jehovah's witnesses had never actually existed. It was soon revealed, however, that he had appeared by virtue of a temporal paradox and that the entire society of Jehovah's witnesses was at this particular moment waging a massive temporal cold-war from their base in an alternate future where France and the Watchtower Organization had joined forces creating the ultimate evil empire and silencing all of their opposition.

It wasn't long before more agents of the Watchtower society began to appear and attempt to change events in history back to their liking. For some reason or another our band of heroes, which now consisted of Vlad, Luke, Darth Cow, Nathan, Noob, the upper half of Abe Lincoln, Bubba, and the dark lord Sauron, decided to take up the fight against the evil French/Watchtower people from the alternate future...