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Post by zoel on Dec 19, 2007 13:47:33 GMT -6
"Hello, what's your name?" the potato asked politely.
"Um... I don't remember," Vladimir said, still half-asleep.
The potato pulled a piece of paper out of its back pocket and stared at it for a moment.
"Hmm.... doesn't seem to be on the list," the potato said after a moment. "I don't suppose you know where Vladimir, Luke, the dark lord Sauron or the upper half of Abe Lincoln are, do you?"
Vladimir shook his head. He realized that not only did he not remember any of those people, but he didn't remember anything at all. Looking himself over, he was suddenly shocked to realize that he was a rat with only one arm, one leg and AIDS.
"What the bejezus?" Vladimir demanded, upon discovering his condition.
Something unconscious deep within Vladimir prompted him to raise an arm in defense against an inevitable slap, but the slap did not come.
"That's much better," Vladimir said, not knowing why. "I don't suppose you know why I'm a rat, do you?" He asked, addressing the potato.
The potato remained still for a moment, as if deep in thought. Suddenly he let out a deep sigh of relief.
"Ah, that felt good," the potato said.
It was then that Vladimir discovered that potato farts smell just like french-fries.
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Post by The Radical Communist on Dec 22, 2007 17:40:37 GMT -6
Unfortunetely this smell attracted a group of PETP, or People for the Ethical Treatment of Plants, who were outraged to smell in the air the distinct oder of french fries. Enraged, they grabbed their pitchforks and marched to the location of our heroes to deliver them a solid...
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Post by zoel on Dec 23, 2007 13:11:31 GMT -6
trommeling.
"Don't hurt me! I'm a potato!" The potato said, raising a shoot in defense.
"Did somebody try to make you intro french-fries?" the PETP leader demanded. "It was him, wasn't it?" He pointed an accusing finger at Vladimir.
"No! Honestly, he just farted!" Vladimir said in a panicky voice.
"You're lying!" the leader of PETP said, and raising his pitchfork prepared to deliver the death-blow.
"Wait, you can't hurt him! He's an animal!" a member of PETA said, bursting upon the scene.
"Who cares, he's a rat," the leader of PETP pointed out. "You guys only protect cute animals like whales and cute little puppies."
"Hmm... You have a point there," the leader of PETA agreed. "Okay, go ahead and kill him... just so long as you dispose of the body humanely."
"Wait! Don't kill me! I have AIDS!" Vladimir said, as the pitchfork again came dangerously near to crushing his skull.
"Hey, he's with us!" a gay rights activist said, suddenly bursting upon the scene.
"Well, actually, I'm not gay...." Vladimir said. "But I did experiment in college, if that counts for anything..."
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HCM Brain Candy
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Post by HCM Brain Candy on Dec 24, 2007 19:02:09 GMT -6
The gay rights activist put his hands on his hips. "So, you decided to abandon us then, huh?" he demanded. "Hey!" a newcomer shouted, "You can't kill him! He's a member of our cause!" yelled a member of Mothers Against Drunk Driving. "But... he's not a mother..." pointed out the PETP spokesperson. "Hmm," the MADD woman said thoughtfully, "I guess you're right, he can't be a member, "he'll have to be done away with." She grabbed a pitchfork from the PETP people. Vladimer raised his hands over his head again, reflexively yelling "Jehovah, help me!" Suddenly a pair of Jehovah's witnesses burst onto the scene. "Stop, he cannot hurt him, he's one of..." the member's voice trailed off as he suddenly recognized Vladamir. "Oh, we were looking to kill him anyways. Carry on." Everyone marched forward menecingly as Vladamir wondered desperately, "Isn't there anyone out there who wants to save me!?"
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Post by zoel on Dec 25, 2007 0:13:12 GMT -6
"Actually, yes there is," came down a resplendent voice from heaven. "It's not me though.... it's actually.... this is kind of embarrassing actually.... for you I mean.... for me, it's just a good laugh.... You see... the only person who wants to save you is... well... it's just so strangely saddening that the only one who cares is...."
"Get on with it!" everyone yelled in unison, starting to become annoyed at the voice-from-heaven's habit of dragging things out rather than just saying them.
"It's... Izod!" the voice from on high finally announced.
A visible sigh of relief went through the crowd, so thrilled were they that the voice-from-the-heavens had finally spilled the beans, so to speak.
"Wait.... Izod? How can this be?" Vladimir demanded.
"I know, a bit embarassing, isn't it?" the voice replied. "To have Izod trying to save you..."
"But why?" Vladimir demanded.
"Well, the thing is... you're never going to believe this.... why I hardly even believe it myself," the voice started to pontificate.
"Out with it!" everyone shouted in unison.
"Well, at the beginning of the thread, he said that you can't die," the voice said. "That means, technically, he's the one responsible for keeping you from dying."
"Oh, why don't I just kill myself," Vladimir said, so disappointed was he to find that the sole sustainer of his existence was.... Izod.
"I'm afraid you're not allowed to do that," the voice from the heavens explained. "It goes against the whole heart of the idea that 'the main character cannot and will not die.'"
"Well it's bloody depressing is what it is," Vladimir replied...
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HCM Brain Candy
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The problem with the universe is you.
Posts: 4,008
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Post by HCM Brain Candy on Dec 31, 2007 13:58:42 GMT -6
And so Vladamir sat down all depressed and stuff as the rest of his companions finally woke up. "Well, that was a restful night," Luke yawned satisfactorily. Vladimir sighed in response. "Uh, not really..." He then explained what had happened during the night. The others all listened intently until Nathan burst out, "Hey, what happened to the potato then?" "I dunno," Vladamir shrugged, "Maybe he left too." "Nope, I'm right here," the potato popped in suddenly. "Oh goody!" Nathan exclaimed, "I was getting hungry!" With that he slashed out with his (dare we forget, orange) lightsaber and cut the potato in half. Somewhat cooked, the potato halves were immediatly popped into Nathan's mouth. "What did you do that for!?" Vladimir demanded. "Wait a minute," Sauron interuptted. "You said that because of this 'IZOD' you cannot be killed at all, as in you're invincible?" "I guess," Vladimir replied somewhat despondently. "Why?" Sauron and Abe shot evil looking grins at each other...
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Post by zoel on Dec 31, 2007 14:24:59 GMT -6
but, before they could do anything, Vladimir fled in terror at the thought of the horrible things that they might be planning.
Then he tripped and fell off of a 10,000 foot high cliff that he hadn't noticed earlier that morning.
Plummeting to the bottom, Vladimir screamed in abject fear.
When he landed with a distinct crunching noise, Vladimir discovered that although he couldn't die, he could still break all of the bones in his body and be in unbelievable pain...
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Post by zoel on Dec 31, 2007 14:39:38 GMT -6
All of which looked a little bit like this:
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HCM Brain Candy
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Post by HCM Brain Candy on Jan 8, 2008 23:26:15 GMT -6
"Hey, does this mean he could be like Prometheus and we could eat his liver everyday?" Luke asked. "Well, we are somewhat hard pressed for food," Sauron mused...
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Syd (formerly Ionix)
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And I think, that I just don't know, and I think that I just don't know...
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Post by Syd (formerly Ionix) on Jan 9, 2008 18:28:04 GMT -6
All of a sudden, a gigantic chicken with laser beam eyes approached the party, and disrupted whatever the hell they were doing (I have no idea.) SO, after about three seconds of thinking they decided to....
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Post by zoel on Jan 15, 2008 0:16:45 GMT -6
do... NOTHING!
This was, of course, exactly what the chicken had been expecting them to do and so it immediately proceeded with the next step of its evil plan, which was to...
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HCM Brain Candy
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Post by HCM Brain Candy on Jan 26, 2008 21:21:10 GMT -6
Hire our heroes to star on a reality TV show featuring OJ Simpson...
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Post by zoel on Jan 28, 2008 15:20:32 GMT -6
The show was aptly titled "If I decided to do it again" and involved OJ Simpson killing off the cast of the show one by one..
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Syd (formerly Ionix)
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And I think, that I just don't know, and I think that I just don't know...
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Post by Syd (formerly Ionix) on Jan 29, 2008 15:54:54 GMT -6
And so, by the grace of God, he did so ever so maliciously. To which there was great applause and partying in Heaven, Amen.
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Post by zoel on Feb 2, 2008 12:10:16 GMT -6
unfortunately, however, since the first person that he tried to kill was Vlad, and since Vlad cannot die, he failed miserably and was in the end convicted for attempted murder by an all-white jury...
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HCM Brain Candy
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Post by HCM Brain Candy on Feb 18, 2008 20:49:47 GMT -6
Vladamir woke up the next day and decided that he wanted a sex change operation...
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I AM THE IZOD!!
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Post by I AM THE IZOD!! on Feb 19, 2008 21:57:40 GMT -6
but began to reconsider when the thought of being raped came to mind.
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Post by zoel on Feb 20, 2008 15:25:04 GMT -6
but then he remembered that no one would dare rape him because he had AIDS, so in the end he decided to...
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HCM Brain Candy
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Post by HCM Brain Candy on Feb 23, 2008 19:49:41 GMT -6
Do it today. As everyone else began waking up, Vladamir grabbed a soapbox and stood upon it. "I'm going to get a sex change operation," he declared. For a moment no one spoke, until Larry the Cable Guy showed up and asked, "Will you get big boobs?"
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I AM THE IZOD!!
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This is what happens when I eat too many baked beans.
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Post by I AM THE IZOD!! on Feb 27, 2008 14:53:06 GMT -6
Abe Lincoln immediatly leapt forth and assaulted our friend Larry...
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Post by zoel on Feb 27, 2008 19:46:27 GMT -6
Larry and Abe wrestled for a few minutes. At first it looked like Larry was going to gain the upper-hand, but then he tried to grapple Abe by the legs and realized that.. well, Abe didn't have any...
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HCM Brain Candy
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Post by HCM Brain Candy on Feb 29, 2008 23:07:47 GMT -6
At which point Vlad decided to sneak away in the ensuing chaos and get his operation done. That said, he went to the hosipital place where it could get done but found that all the doctors only spoke Polish...
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Post by Cellery on Mar 2, 2008 0:04:26 GMT -6
...when suddenly Vlad is abducted by some aliens from space who kinda look like Jamie Farr...
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Post by zoel on Mar 2, 2008 12:53:39 GMT -6
At which point the current editor realized that he didn't know who Jamie Farr was, and so he decided that Jamie should spontaniously mutate into Reggie Dabbs instead, because he's awesome
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HCM Brain Candy
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Post by HCM Brain Candy on Mar 5, 2008 22:34:49 GMT -6
At this point it was pointed out that thread was getting off topic again. Others contested this point and said it was stupid. The accusors then said the defendents' mothers were stupid... In the ensuing chaos, IZOD suddenly wondered if it would be mean to turn Vladamir into a pink unicorn...
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Post by zoel on Mar 6, 2008 16:59:15 GMT -6
but in the end, it was decided that the protagonists of far too many threads were already pink unicorns so Vladimir was instead turned into...
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HCM Brain Candy
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Post by HCM Brain Candy on Mar 27, 2008 15:23:13 GMT -6
An inflatable shark.
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Post by zoel on Mar 29, 2008 5:54:34 GMT -6
this was, of course, a terrible idea since--as everyone knows--inflatable sharks are the favorite meal of...
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HCM Brain Candy
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Post by HCM Brain Candy on Mar 30, 2008 11:08:36 GMT -6
Children named Little Billy in the Back Corner. "That's a horribly long name, can't you shorten it somehow?" Sauron protested. At which point Little Billy began to break down and cry and everyone surrounded Sauron and told him what a huge damn jerk he was and that he deserved to go to the Bad Place, at which point Nathan pointed out that Sauron was himself a ruler of a bad place to which the others covered him in tar and lit him on fire. Nathan being a Jedi of course, was not killed, but he was somewhat burned, at which point someone suggested that they make him into a Darth Vader. "No!" Vladimer protested, still an inflatable shark, "We can't just have a Darth Vader Nathan join our group, that'd be too overdone!" The quandry was solved when Nathan consented to become a cyborg but as a chicken cyborg. "I'll be Artificial-Chicken Nathan!" he exclaimed, still coughing up a bit of smoke. "But I'll have my orange lightsaber too!" And which point Little Billy started crying again because he was being ignored and the others decided that Vladamir as an inflatable shark should help Billy as a therepy inflatable at the local "special" school...
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Post by zoel on Mar 30, 2008 12:24:09 GMT -6
but of course all of the children at the special school wanted to eat Vladimir (not just Billy) and so after a mere day at the job he was considering resigning.
Vladimir was prevented from resigning, however, from a mob of angry protesters who pointed out that "if you don't teach our children, who will?"
"Drug dealers and pimps?" Vladimir suggested.
Everyone agreed that this was a wonderful idea and so all the kids at the special school were shipped off to inner-city Chicago...
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