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Post by zoel on Apr 25, 2007 22:49:12 GMT -6
the fact that the pavement's mother collapsed into a black-hole under the force of her own gravity....
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HCM Brain Candy
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The problem with the universe is you.
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Post by HCM Brain Candy on May 1, 2007 17:34:56 GMT -6
Adem thus decided that he needed a new line of work so he set off to Alaska to become a crab fisherman.
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Post by zoel on May 2, 2007 12:49:25 GMT -6
Unfortunately, since he didn't have enough money to buy a plane ticket, Adem was forced to walk all the way to Alaska and by the time he actually got there the crabs had been fished into near-extinction and declared an endangered species by the EPA so when he tried to catch one he was immediately arrested and charged with violating the Endangered Species act...
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HCM Brain Candy
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Supreme Overlord of TPWLP
The problem with the universe is you.
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Post by HCM Brain Candy on May 7, 2007 13:32:00 GMT -6
Adem was promptly thrown into Alcatrez and faced his first problem when his new fellow inmates menacingly approached him and procedded to...
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Post by zoel on May 7, 2007 19:41:15 GMT -6
ask him for the answers to extremely difficult math problems that could only be solved if one understood the invariant transformations of a complex Hilbert space...
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I AM THE IZOD!!
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This is what happens when I eat too many baked beans.
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Post by I AM THE IZOD!! on May 10, 2007 21:45:52 GMT -6
Of course Adem did not know the answers, so he was ganged upon and the inmates proceeded to attempt to eat his flesh...
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Post by zoel on May 11, 2007 11:27:19 GMT -6
unfortunately for Adem, all of his fellow inmates were actually velociraptors so they then attempted to eat him...
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HCM Brain Candy
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The problem with the universe is you.
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Post by HCM Brain Candy on May 13, 2007 17:38:16 GMT -6
Adem was thus forced to call upon his mighty powers of kung fu; which unfortunetly called upon him to release his dark pink unicorn powers which he didn't dare release except under the most dire of circumstances...
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Post by zoel on May 13, 2007 21:19:34 GMT -6
these were, of course, not strictly speaking the most dire of circumstances, but Adem considered them sufficently close as to merit using his pink unicorn powers. That being said, within a few moments Adem had run all of his would-be attackers through with his horn...
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HCM Brain Candy
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The problem with the universe is you.
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Post by HCM Brain Candy on Jun 18, 2007 11:55:59 GMT -6
Soon after he was charged with a civil lawsuit for killing the inmates as it caused their families "emotional distress."
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Post by zoel on Jun 18, 2007 13:19:57 GMT -6
and so Adem was once again forced to call upon his pink unicorn powers, killing everyone in the courtroom as well as a few innocent passersby whom he feared might reveal his true identity...
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I AM THE IZOD!!
High Cleve Person
This is what happens when I eat too many baked beans.
Posts: 513
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Post by I AM THE IZOD!! on Jul 5, 2007 11:36:15 GMT -6
Thus, Adem was now on the run from the law and was being pursued by the U.S. Marshal's office.
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Post by zoel on Jul 5, 2007 15:31:52 GMT -6
Unfortunately, he also had to find the one armed, one eyed, one legged, one eared, one nostriled, one balled, one kidneyed, one lunged, one brain-hemisphered, man who killed his wife...
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HCM Brain Candy
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Supreme Overlord of TPWLP
The problem with the universe is you.
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Post by HCM Brain Candy on Aug 1, 2007 15:41:11 GMT -6
But then Adem suddenly had to contend with the fact that Sweeden had invaded Anarctica...
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Post by zoel on Aug 2, 2007 17:25:40 GMT -6
which wasn't, in fact, all that difficult since there were only about 100 people living in Antarctica and since most of them were trying to escape to somewhere warm anyway.
Adem, however, insisted that if Antarctica were to fall, it would cause a landslide effect and all of east-Asia would be taken over by socialists and so appointed several thousand "military advisers" to go and help the Antarcticans defend themselves.
The plan that they decided on was a scorched earth policy to cause the Swedes to suffer starvation but they soon discovered that the only thing in Antarctica was ice, which didn't burn terribly well...
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Post by The Radical Communist on Aug 4, 2007 20:33:32 GMT -6
Adem decided that a new course of action needed to be taken, and decided that he could simply convince all the penguins to become suicide bombers to blow up the Swedes.
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Post by zoel on Aug 5, 2007 17:28:11 GMT -6
Soon the Swedes found themselves overwhelmed by hordes of exploding penguins and were forced to retreat to the Falkland Islands.
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I AM THE IZOD!!
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This is what happens when I eat too many baked beans.
Posts: 513
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Post by I AM THE IZOD!! on Aug 8, 2007 20:01:49 GMT -6
Then suddenly the Finnish invaded the Falkland Islands.
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HCM Brain Candy
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Post by HCM Brain Candy on Aug 8, 2007 21:20:35 GMT -6
Then, suddenly the Brazilians invaded, followed shortly by the Armenians, followed by the Uzbekistanians, then by the Russians, Chinese, British, etc. Soon every single nation on Earth was fighting over the Falkland Islands except for Canada and the Vatican. Canada secretly decided that now was the time for it to lauch it's 200 million man army global invasion, and the Pope apparently decided that now was the time to reveal himself to be the Antichrist and also conquer the world. The Falklands were promptly nuked by either the Americans or Russians, destroying every army of every nation there. Canada made its sweep south into America, and the Pope launched a new crusade to restablish the Papal State. Finding each other the only other armies in the world, their two respecitive armies engaged each other. The Canadians had the numerical advantage, but the Vatican managed to hold their own because their army was predominantly Swiss mercenaries. Distraught, Adem watched as the two armies had at each other and decided that it would be bad if either won, so he traveled to the only people who could possibly stop the onslaught, the Israelies...
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Post by zoel on Aug 9, 2007 15:40:29 GMT -6
The Israelis had, of course, by this time perfected urban warfare to such a degree that anyone carrying any kind of weapon could be targeted and killed in only 29.6 seconds. Unfortunately, the Canadians and the Swiss Papal soldiers had chosen to fight their battle in the Siberian tundra, the only place where the Israelis did not have an overwhelming tactical advantage because they had forgotten to bring mittens. And so Adem was forced to come up with a plan to lure the battling armies into the city of Moscow...
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Post by The Admin on Aug 10, 2007 20:34:39 GMT -6
At first Adem put out big signs that advertised fresh cheese curds, but this attracted only one or two curious AWOLs. Thinking again, he put out another sign for free Packers' merchandice, but aside from luring about half the population of Wisconsin to Russia to take advantage of the bounty, this still failed to attract the Swiss mercenaries or the Canadians. With options dwindling, Adem decided to go for broke and stood up on a soapbox and grabbed a megaphone and shouted into it, "Global warming is a complete myth!" Suddenly a great rumble began to roll and a swarm appeared on the horizen as the Vatican and Canadian armies all rushed forward with a cross all ready to crucify Adem. Adem, bewildered by his successfor a moment took a second to realize that his life was probably in danger so he ran back into Moscow, ready to execute his plan as the bloodthirsty mobs smashed through the outer gates...
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Post by zoel on Aug 13, 2007 20:33:36 GMT -6
The combined Canadian and Swiss forces flooded the streets of Moscow, seeking to destroy Adem for proclaiming that global warming was a myth. What they did not realize was that 10,000 Jewish snipers were lying in wait for them.
As Adem watched and waited, he couldn't help but think back on the battle against the Amalekites at Rephidim all those many years ago. Eagerly awaiting the total obliteration of the enemy forces, Adem continued to wave his anti-global-warming sign in the air frantically.
Unfortunately, Adem soon realized that unlike in the movies, in real life battles take a really long time. Even though it took only 29.6 seconds for each of the 10,000 Jewish snipers to kill a Swiss or Canadian soldier, there were millions to be dealt with and the battle dragged on for hours.
Eventually, Adem's arms grew weary and he stopped waving his sign. As soon as he did so, however, the tide of the battle began to turn and the combined Swiss and Canadian forces started killing the Jews...
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I AM THE IZOD!!
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This is what happens when I eat too many baked beans.
Posts: 513
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Post by I AM THE IZOD!! on Aug 18, 2007 20:58:06 GMT -6
Then an Israeli man came and helped Adem hold up the sign, and suddenly the tide of battle swung back to the side of the Jews...
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Post by zoel on Aug 18, 2007 21:03:18 GMT -6
But then, realizing what was happening, one of the Swiss mercenaries came and tied 10-ton weights to each of Adem's arms...
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HCM Brain Candy
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Post by HCM Brain Candy on Sept 17, 2007 21:47:59 GMT -6
Adem strained mightily under the 10 ton weights as they mightily wore down upon him, wearing down his strength. Desperatly Adem thought for a solution to his predicament, but the only way out involved fully unleashing his dark pink unicorn powers....
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Post by zoel on Sept 20, 2007 9:33:56 GMT -6
But of course if he turned into a pink unicorn he wouldn't have any hands and so wouldn't be able to hold up the sign. Pondering this difficulty for a time, Adem eventually came to the conclusion that he had absolutely no idea what he should do. He was tired, confused, and most importantly bored.
Dropping the sign, he untied the 10-ton weights from each of his hands and fled the scene of the battle. Eventually he stumbled upon a canadian pub run by an old Irish guy that was filled with drunk hobbits and started insulting them for being short. This was probably harmless since hobbits aren't particularly sensitive about their height. He did, however, make the mistake of calling one of the hobbits "dwarfishly short". Hobbits are actually somewhat shorter than dwarves, but they do take offense at being compared to them and Adem immediately found himself pinned to the ground by two hobbits whose combined height was probably still slightly less than his own. Their weight, however, was easily three times his own.
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HCM Brain Candy
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Supreme Overlord of TPWLP
The problem with the universe is you.
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Post by HCM Brain Candy on Sept 23, 2007 15:21:12 GMT -6
Crushed underneath the, well, crushing weight of the two hobbits Adem desperatly fumbled to get free when Thomas Szasz walked into the bar...
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Post by zoel on Sept 24, 2007 15:07:01 GMT -6
Thomas Szasz promptly declared that all of psycology and psycotherapy was a bad joke which actually led to the stigmatization of the mentally ill and thereby undermined solvency.
After reflecting on this insight for a few moments, Adem realized that he would have much preferred to have found this out back at the beginning of the thread before he had gone for therapy. Unfortunately, the deed had already been done and there was nothing Thomas Szasz or anyone else could do about it.
That is, of course, unless Adem could travel back in time and prevent his former self from going to see a therapist. Upon realizing that both of the other adventure threads had recently undergone severe time paradoxes and that they didn't seem to be very fun, however, Adem decided in the end that this was probably a bad idea.
That being said, Adem was sill being crushed by the weight of the two hobbits, one of which was now sitting on his head and the other of which was jumping up and down on his gut. Suddenly one of the hobbit's feet came to land on Adem's groin causing him to writhe so forcefully in pain that both of the hobbits were thrown several feet into a wall...
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HCM Brain Candy
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Post by HCM Brain Candy on Sept 29, 2007 19:47:38 GMT -6
And then suddenly Kenny walked into the bar...
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Post by zoel on Sept 30, 2007 12:32:18 GMT -6
and was promptly crushed by the flying hobbits.
"Oh my god! You killed Kenny!" someone screamed at Adem.
Fearing that he would be arrested to murder and sent to prison where he would have to repeatedly invoke his pink unicorn powers in order to prevent being sodomized, Adem decided that the best thing to do was to flee the country.
He soon arrived in Mexico where he obtained a fake ID and started working as a migrant worker. He was surprised at how many jobs for migrant workers there were in Mexico to be had since all of the Mexican had become illegal immigrants and were fighting for the few remaining jobs in the US.
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